Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
