I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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