The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
