mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
