one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
