I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
