Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
