New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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