It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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