I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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