my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
