By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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