Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Pooping to opera.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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