if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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