we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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