I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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