so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
