Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
someone owes me an orgasm
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
