I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
