i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
