sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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