I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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