Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
