quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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