There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
