matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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