Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
