Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Bring me that man meat
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
