I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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