every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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