I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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