Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
