shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
time to smoke my breakfast
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
