well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
