I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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