I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
