i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
