can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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