I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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