I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
