He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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