I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
