Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
