I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
