All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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