When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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