I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
