never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
