I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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