She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
